Germans ARE nice, but it’s hard to break the ice

lonewolf didn’t necessarily want to bring up the topic of Germans and their social skills, because it’s nearly impossible to generalize about any one nation. Besides, the internet, combined with the smart phone, is turning many of us into social incompetents these days in my view. People actually think they can communicate with you while staring at their phone to see what else is going on. That’s just disrespectful, and one should end the conversation right there.

But the reason why I’m writing about German social skills has to do with a message I got on Facebook. A contact from the US said friends of his who had recently visited the country were surprised at the unfriendly reception they got. It sounded a lot like the complaints that many Americans who visit Paris make: Parisians are arrogant and unwelcoming, particularly if you don’t speak French.

Although Germans don’t really mind if you speak English to them – indeed, most of the population speaks it very well – I can imagine that the American tourists had a bad experience because, in public, Germans are not very warm. Harald Martenstein, the German equivalent of the brilliant columnist Art Buchwald, wrote a terrific satire about this (Artikel auf Deutsch, hier klicken), making the point that German unfriendliness was odd given that the society was so peaceful, social and fair. Martenstein also compared the situation with that in the US, where in spite of the violence and injustice that characterizes the place, people are generally nice to each other.

Having lived in my adopted country of Germany for 19 years, and before then, in America for 25, I think there is some truth to what Martenstein says. Germans rarely greet or smile at each other in public. Some don’t even know how to say “excuse me” when they bump in to you or want to get around you. Of course there are countless exceptions, especially when you point out the impoliteness or when you strike up a conversation. It also must be said that there is one region known for being welcoming: Cologne and the lowlands around it. Small wonder that it is the place to be in Germany during Mardi Gras (Carnival).

As just stated, the key to unlocking German warmth lies with you. You have to take the initiative to reach them, which can be difficult unless you’ve mastered the language. The reason is that many Germans tend to be reserved and slightly skeptical. A great deal of convincing is required  – even in male-female relationships. A French woman I knew of never understood this, as men and women in her home country take the easier route by constantly flirting with each other.

Of course, people ultimately get together to make friends, love, or whatever. It’s just that Germans are somehow not taught to take the initiative when dealing with people. That said, once you have won over a German, you will have one of the most loyal friends or partners you could ever wish for. It’s one of Germany’s greatest virtues and something that, unfortunately, has become a lot rarer in America. I know how lucky I am to be living here.